Teaching is not as much about the subject (dare I say?) as about the relationships built with students. Genuine respect and regard for a student will foster a work ethic on behalf of the student if he/she believes the teacher is genuine. I kept a note from my second year of teaching because of the impact of a young man named AJ*. I see the actual note today in my writer’s notebook, and I am reminded of the importance of building those relationships with our students.
AJ was in my 10th grade English class. He was a nice looking young man, dark hair, a little skinny, with a kind heart and respectful attitude. We had a great year, and he helped make the class enjoyable. Until, I think, some things changed for him.
What Happened?
The note was from the assistant principal who had seen AJ for the outburst he had in class one day. Up until that day, AJ was always respectful and hard-working. He seemed to enjoy the class. That one day, though, toward the end of the school year, he stood up from his desk and started ranting about how what we were doing was all useless and nobody cared. Shocked and a little shaky, I did not know what to do at first. I tried to talk with him and calm him down, but he would not hear of it. I told him to go out to the hallway and wait for me. For some reason, he agreed to do so and went out there.
I refocused the class on the task at hand and went out to talk with him. He was not as upset, but he was not calm either. I tried to find out what was troubling him, but he would not offer any explanation. I told him that whatever was troubling him, we could talk and work it out. He refused and said that I should just send him to the office. I rarely ever referred students to the office, but I was not making any progress with him. I instructed him to take my note to the office and sent him on his way. He returned shortly with the aforementioned note in hand. For the rest of the hour, he was sulky and unresponsive but did not cause any more disruption.
We Tried
Of course, because I was concerned, I reached out to his parents. When I finally talked with his mother, she was as lost as I was in understanding the change in his behavior.
We made it through the rest of the year, but I lost him somewhere along the way. All my efforts to reach out to him, the offer to talk if he needed, the offer to refer him to a counselor (one willing and waiting), all of it rejected, albeit respectfully, but rejected nonetheless. Rumors surfaced about some of his activities, but I was never able to confirm any of that information. He did not return to school the following year. I never saw him again.
A few years later, I heard that he had been in a terrible car accident that left him paralyzed. Sometime after that, I heard he died in a house fire. He was a good kid, and it saddened me. As teachers, as compassionate human beings, we try to reach out and help these kids no matter where they come from or what they do. So many touched my heart over the years, and AJ was one of them from early on in my career.
Build Those Relationships
I regret that I could not reach him during that time.
The importance of teaching is not just the about material we try to expose to these young minds. It is the relationships we try to build with the person that is the student. I never understood why district administrators thought they had to arrange professional development and/or activities to “show” us how to build relationships with students. It aggravated me that administrators thought we didn’t know how to do that. That came naturally to the good teachers I know. You talk with students. You ask them questions about their interests. You observe what they do around the school. You show up to their ball game or theater production or choir concert. You listen. Maybe some teachers don’t try, but I’m convinced the vast majority know how and work to connect with each and every person sitting in his or her classroom.
That relationship is as important, if not more so (dare I say?), than the material or the test. Early in my career, I learned this from some of the best teachers I have ever known. We are still close and in contact today. Throughout my career, I worked with the most amazing people who cared and gave so much to their students.
“My Kids”
I had twenty years of such relationships with “my kids”. I have pictures, notes, letters, and cards collected and kept in scrapbooks. My writer’s notebooks also have mementos such as the note about AJ.
My friends and former co-workers who are still fighting the good fight went back to the classroom this week. To all, I wish you strength as you build new relationships and open young minds to important skills and material. I applaud your commitment and dedication to your students as well as your compassion.
*Name has been changed to keep anonymity